What Happens When Emmett Watches Mulan?
by simply-dazzling001
Summary: Post Breaking Dawn, possible spoilers! Bella's enjoying a nice afternoon watching Renesmee and Jacob when suddenly, she hears strange noises from outside. What is Emmett doing in a karate outfit? Where did he get that bamboo?


**Author's Note: I do not own Twilight or Mulan**

Bella was enjoying a quiet morning at home, watching Jacob try to teach Renesmee video games. It was too early to go hunting, and they were running out of pastimes, so Renesmee convinced Jacob to teach her how to play. Bella smiled as Jacob tried to teach her daughter the rules of videogame-war, but Nessie was just too nice.

"No, you _have_ to try to invade their base. It's how you win!" he was saying.

Renesmee put her hand on Jacob's cheek, and he sighed.

"Try to negotiate with them if you want, but all I know is that I'm invading. We'll see who wins," he added with a mischievous smile. Renesmee smiled back and turned her attention to the game.

Bella was enjoying the moment when she heard a "HA!" *crack* BOOM! sound coming from outside. Worriedly, she jumped off the couch and ran outside.

"What in the world is going on?" she asked.

There stood Emmett, dressed in a white karate costume, fist out, next to a fallen tree.

He smiled proudly at Bella, drew his hands together, and bowed to her.

"Nee hao, Bella-san."

Bella stared at him. "Emmett….WHAT THE VOLTURI ARE YOU DOING??"

But Emmett had already turned his attention to the rest of the forest, and began karate-chopping at them.

"STOP! You're killing the trees!!"

Emmett sighed and turned to her.

"Well you're a party-pooper. No wonder you and Edward get along so well."

He turned around again. This time, however, he took on a large metal pole that Bella had never noticed before. His strong arms made a dent in the metal, but created no further damage.

"Uh, what's that pole doing here?" Bella asked. She didn't like the idea of Emmett sneaking out and installing mysterious iron poles right next to their home.

"Alice put it there for my practice. Isn't that thoughtful?"

"ALICE?"

"Yep. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll need to continue my training for the Chinese army."

Bella was too stunned to speak. She had several questions running through her mind. First, where on EARTH did Emmett get a child's karate outfit big enough for him? Second, why was he karate-chopping trees? Why is he karate-chopping a pole? Why is there even a pole here in the first place? What did Alice have to do with this? Why is Emmett training for the CHINESE army?

But Bella did not have time to ask any of these questions because Emmett began practicing an extremely strange ritual. He chopped furiously at the pole several times, skipped in and over the river, jumped onto the pole and began climbing it, and finally, when he reached the top of the pole, somehow produced a wooden arrow, and threw it down a foot away from Bella.

Then, weirder things happened. Bella could only stare in shock as Emmett proceeded to jump down from the pole and sing words that had no apparent connection, the way Emmett was singing them.

He hummed a simple tune for a while until the tune blossomed into a song at full Emmett-force.

"Da da da, hmm hm, as the dark side of, the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN……BE A MAN! Dadada….RIVER! HYAH!!!!"

Bella wasn't sure if she should be worried right now, but it DID involved Emmett, so she rushed inside and got Edward.

"Edward! Come outside!! Emmett's doing weird things!"

Edward chuckled, but then his face turned deadly serious. "He isn't trying to jump-rope with Alice's new Italian scarf, is he?"

"No, weirder! He's trying to karate-chop at poles and sing random songs about rivers! Come!"

"Huh? Kara-" Edward stopped cold. Colder than he was normally. "Oh. My. Carlisle. EMMETT!!!" He dashed out of his old bedroom and ran outside, dragging Bella with him.

"WHAT THE VOLTURI IS GOING ON HERE?!?"

Emmett stopped prancing around the river and gave Edward the same greeting he gave Bella.

"Nee hao, Eddie-san. The force of a GREAT typhoooooon…………." He proceeded with his strange water-jumping.

"Oh my Carlisle," Edward repeated.

"What? What's wrong?"

"It's Alice. She-she- she showed him _Mulan_ again."

Bella gasped. "Ohmicarlisle."

"Hey, ladies!" Emmett shouted sternly at Bella and Edward, coming out of his karate-trance. "Perhaps I wasn't clear. You MUST fight for your country! Bring honor to us! WIN!"

Edward rubbed his temples and sighed.

"Emmett, repeat after me. WE ARE NOT IN CHINA."

"We ARE in China and at war with the Imperial armies! Now I suggest you either join the war movement or leave! You CLEARLY are not worthy," he added with a scoff.

Edward was utterly offended. "Oh, NO you didn't. BRING IT!"

Emmett grinned and handed Edward a long bamboo stick, then got one for himself.

Where do you get a bamboo stick in Washington? wondered Bella.

"BEGIN!" Emmett shouted and then engaged in a fierce bamboo-stick duel with Edward that lasted hours.

_I am never letting Alice trick him into watching Mulan again. Ever. Unless I get bored, _thought Bella.

When she returned inside, leaving Edward to fight for his dignity, and Emmett to be Emmett, Nessie looked up at her and asked, "What's Daddy and Uncle Emmett doing?"

Bella sighed. "Fighting with sticks of bamboo."

"Really? Hm."

***

At the end of the day, Nessie had finally beaten Jacob at videogames, Alice convinced Emmett that _Mulan_ was just a movie and that they were not in China, Edward had won his dignity, and Emmett…

Emmett had 4 broken pieces of bamboo, one ruined karate outfit that he'd "borrowed" from a first-grade karate class, an owed apology to the teacher of the karate school for stealing their "treasured culture" in taking the outfit on display, and the liberty of turning the pole out front into the "Official Pole Dedicated to the Awesomeness of Emmett Cullen."

The rest of them had a headache.

**Typical Emmett... What did you think? Read and review please :] **


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